Stagnant

Stagnant

by Denise Tulipano on Thursday, March 5, 2009 at 9:06am ·

In the corner there is a small girl crying. She has one ponytail left and a handful of feathers...they used to be vibrant colors but,now they are a dull grey. Her mom is going to kill when she sees all the snot on her sleeves and tell her to sit up straight and stop suck holing around! She doesn't want to...she wants to know why she has to, it is not the way she feels! All that matters to her at this point is those feathers....should she let them go in the wind or should she try once again to make them pretty...if she lets them go in the wind she will be empty handed and have to preen herself, sneezing in her hand she decides to put those feathers in her pocket...knowing that being a little girl she is not expected to make grown up decision's today and all she has to do is fix her braids before mom gets in here!

I wish it were that simple...

Stagnant...pt 2

by Denise Tulipano on Saturday, March 7, 2009 at 7:37am ·

Hours later and still in that room the little girl stops sucking on her braid and looks around...she never bothered to fix those braids...it wouldn't have mattered mom never came, she never does...in fact no one does!

The room has since filled up with spritely little things, all along the walls they sit and watch waiting for their cue. She picks at the crusted snot on her sleeve and wonders what to do still about those feathers in her pocket! The sprites in their little corduroy overalls and ugly green felt hats start to mumble and whisper among themselves and a tear escapes her eye. Who are you? "she asks"...we are here to help you deal with those tarnished feathers in your pocket! All 9 sprites form a half circle around the frightened girl...the first 1 steps forward to introduce himself. I am new hatred he says and like a domino effect they all follow lead...the 2nd one says I am young love...the third one,I am never ending...four being desperation...#5 was gratitude...#6 ,harmony and  #7 was confusion...the last 2 had moved over...all she could do was just sit and cry at this point...#8 moved towards her and said I am" LOST" and now #9 was beside her and said I am "Mr Punisher"...I am here to make sure you do the job right, Mr Punisher sneers at her....she wishes more than anything that mom would show up or anyone...you cannot make me do anything she sobs at him....oh yes i can he responds...I ALREADY HAVE....YOU MUST GIVE EACH ONE OF US A FEATHER!

TO BE CONTINUED.......

Years later...

Stagnancy Overruled...

October 30/2012

In a time of insecurity and no decision....

In a time of Sacred Destruction....

When you have held onto pain and suffering...

When it takes every ounce of you to keep on mustering...

I  will move on, I will be free....

I will not give up so easily!

How can one miss what they never really had...

The love of a mother or a partner that fled

Recognition is the ultimate key....

Then we can begin to really see...

Our plight was an unsung melody...

There was no bliss nor harmony...

We must permit ourselves to let things go...

To not hold on or remain in the victim role....

We must allow our eyes to open and see...

Open our lungs and truly breathe...

A new day is upon us and "Twisted so Elegantly!!!"

It has been 3 years since I started writing "Stagnant" Halfway into what was in my minds eye, I balked! I could see clearly right in front of me, my inventory of a 9 year love affair that ended sourly and bitterly! The feather's were because,I called the love of my life (Dana) "Chicken" The feelings were through the years, I held onto each one so passionately that I completely lost my identity. I was not able to look beyond her for so many years, that when she left I was an empty vessel! Still til this very day I will see someone we knew and they will not register who I am until I mention her. 

What an illness to love so toxic and pointlessly...to give up everything that is your being for the love of another! The saying "Falling Head over Heels for You" has a whole new meaning to me and it is a scary one!

I was never able to complete Stagnancy (ironically given its name) because, it would have meant coming to terms with myself...pulling up my big girl socks and moving forward! I believe I was comfortable to dwell in the pain, to see myself as less than because, I could not make it work with her! However even though the battle is not over yet, I have learnt some valuable lessons recently! Living with my mom this summer explained  a lot about why I cannot handle rejection, or why I am seeking approval where there is none to be had! Never quite knowing since birth the taste of true love!!!

I had to seek inward and find my voice...I had to give myself permission to not seek it from others and appreciate what I have to offer myself! Not an easy task when, you are programmed to be "The Perfect Daughter"...win the "Wife of the Year" award etc.....it all brings me back to the one big question I have...How could you miss what you never really had!!! Being an empty vessel has turned into a true blessing for me as I set my standards for integrity...I will hold my head high and be me no matter what comes my way and be blessed in the knowledge that I can fill this vessel with love, light and true harmony...being single is not all that bad on my journey to self!!! Namaste x0x0x ~dee

P.S....I fixedmy braids, cleaned the snot off my sleeve and I am not suck holing around anymore

~love Denise

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